Tinder

Never poop and swipe! What if that ends up being your wife one day? I wouldn't wanna tell my kids the story of how I met their mother..."so, I was bored on the toilet..." 

Pillsbury crescents

The Pillsbury crescent commercial is not accurate.
Commercial: boy says "you got the last crescent" brother says "let's split it" Mom says "don't worry boys I have more"
My family: I say "got the last crescent" my my brother says "fuck you dude give it to me" I say "suck it bitch" (with my mouth full) my mom says "Bryan, share them. You can't eat them all" and I say "that's funny, cuz I think I just did"

My five wives

So this show about a polygamist...really? How do you start? He has one GF and then says "listen sweetie im gonna bring another girl on board" and she agrees. That happens three more times!!! This guy was just trying to have fun and now he's married, 5 FUCKING TIMES. Are ya kidding?

Friends

New commercial is "friends don't let friends smoke." I agree, smoking is gross. It used to be "friends don't let friends drive drunk." I guess that turned into "well I gotta get home and he's okay to drive, as long as he doesn't smoke on the ride"

Civil alerts

I have an app called civil alerts. It's apparently for storms and whatnot. Little did I know it included Amber alerts. Does this app think that waking me up an hour before I should be up will help find this kid? Honestly there is a bunch of kids outside my apartment waiting for the bus each day that I couldn't describe. What makes you think I could find a random child? Shit, I, could hardly describe myself.

Peanuts

I like peanuts. When I eat them I'm pretty sure I could eat a million peanuts. Im glad I have will power because that's the only thing that stops me from eating all the peanuts. I always wonder, when I get a bottle of peanuts, is there a machine that separates them or is it a manual thing? If it's a machine how does the machine completely separate the peanuts from the shells? I think I want to plant my own peanuts. When people have their own garden it's usually vegetables or fruit. I can imagine a neighbor of mine coming by "hey, whatcha growin there? Tomatoes?" "Nope just my peanut garden." They would be so baffled as to why someone chooses to grow peanuts.

Cars in the future

I wonder if cars of today will be valued like old cars are today. Can you imagine fifty years from now, "dude, I got a fully restored 2004 dodge neon!" "no way man, I'm trying to get myself a 1994 ford Taurus"